OVER MY HEAD.....

What happened to you
You've played the victim for so long now in this game
What I thought was true
Is made of fiction and I'm following the same

But if I try to make sense of this mess I'm in
I'm not sure where I should begin
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'

Now I'm in over my head
with something I said
Completely misread
I'm better off dead
And now I can see
How fake you can be
This hypocrisy is beginning to get to me

It's none of my concern
Don't look to me because I don't believe in fame
I guess you never heard
I've met our makers they don't even know your name

But if I had to say goodbye to leave this hell
I'd say my time has served me well
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'

TURNS OUT, I'M JUST AS MESSED UP AS EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THIS PLANET. and i'm the exact copy of my mom. HELP!!

OOOOOOOH sweet lord....i'm writing all this crap that no one reads. and i put so much effort into these posts! not this one though. so you might as well stop right here.

anyways onto the topic (like there's someone else but my sister who reads this..)

im just as messed up as everyone else, but in a different way. yah, you're probably wondering what the hell i'm talkin' about?

i know, i'm just as confused as you are. everytime i tell a story it's soo all over the place, you can't get my point. (i do it better on my blog, cause then i have time to think through it before i actually write it)

i'll never be good at expressing what's on my mind....which is why i made this blog to start with.

ANYWAYS, what i'm trying to say (and i'm still failing at it) issss that i make the exact same mistakes as my mom. i'm following her pattern. i can't even believe that i used to judge her. well actually that's only a sign of immaturity.

cause kids at my school are still pretty much enjoying judging every living creature or an object that surrounds them; from their french teacher who gives too much homework to a cake that's too sweet for their taste.. nothing's good enough for them.

my thing, is that i forgive very easily, which is also a good thing because you don't get to keep the anger inside you, but i let people use me, without even noticing. it gets really frustrating.
and what else do i do like my mom? i compare myself to her, even though when she does it, it drives me crazy. and i think i realized how much we resemble just about a month ago.

...this is really the only post i made that doesn't have a point to it....i'm SORRY.

Oh Nostalgia...

Last summer, when i went to tokyo for one 1/2 month, i felt a strange mixture of feelings. the time i actually REALLY realized I hated my father, and that i had lost all respect for him. but anyways, despite the cold atmosphere at "home" and the fact that i couldn't see my friends as much as i wanted to, i felt amazing.

i felt free and powerful, i was the best of me. even though i did feel lonely, and a little bit homesick, when i walked on the streets of tokyo in my 5 inch heels, i felt like i ruled the city. so it was totally worth dealing with my dad and other crappy stuff....

i miss being asked in harajuku "are you a model? would you like to be a model? could you give us your cell?" i actually felt beautiful, while in france, i'm not appreciated at all. or at least there aren't a lot of modeling agencies in this shitty town that are interested in hiring me.

and i LOVE being looked at as one of the "pretty ones". i love how people think that i'm american or something and that i seem older than my actual age (people think im in my 20s)

once i bought alcohol saying that i didn't speak japanese when the guy asked for my ID. he didn't know how to say "ID" so he asked for my age and i just naturally answered "21" :). it totally worked. it was like i had power over people because i know more than them.

the weird thing is, you'd think i'd feel smaller in a big city with all the buildings, but actually i feel tiny in the town i'm living, cause i have no self confidence.

that's it. self confidence. i need compliments to feel confident. without people telling me nice things, i feel like nothing...

it used to (when i lived in japan) piss me off when people called me "russian" and "american" and such, but now it seems like a "compliment" of some sort. cause now i'm considered "chinese". thats what lowers my self-esteem..

but i always knew that tokyo wasn't for me...there's a lot of things people don't know about the japanese culture, but i'm not here to make a list of inconveniences about japan and all that. it would be a one huge blog post. lol

i was having an overall deja-vu from a different point of view.

i saw tokyo for the first time from a different point of view. POINT OF VIEW of a person who has lived in france, and tokyo, and moscow and can compare those 3 cultures.

and that's worthy of an experience no matter what.

You Little Narcissus! lol

HA! it's so amuzing to me. you're IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF. ohhh im not mocking you. you do that for me!

i just sincerely find it amuzing. i can just imagine what you think when you look in a mirror. and not just that!

after every little "jokey-joke" you say you have this..PROUD look on you, like you won a nobel prize or something. you think you're so clever with your words...and even if you are, you display (may i say) it with such pompousness!

well i must say your modesty AMAZES me.

ahh i just needed to let it out. and share it with...no one. since not many people read my blog....too bad. you have no idea what you're missing out on! lol

POSITIVE EMOTIONS. ...or not.

i admire people who can think positively even when they're in a bad place in their life. that's one thing about me that i don't like at all: negativity. i attract bad thoughts.

(people say capricorns are often like this. my gosh im such a zodiac nerd...lol)

i once read in a magazine that you have to force yourself to smile, so that your brain will think that you feel happy! it's all about tricking your mind actually. to my surprise, it really helps:)

SO SMILE:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

WHAT'S THE POINT? annoyances....

why? WHYYYY tell me?

they really don't get your point, do they? if you don't respond, it means that...you simply don't want to, and that you don't find it necessary to talk about it. because you don't need to.

simply put, stuff that concerns others DOESNT INTREST ANYBODY. thats what people (kind of) start to get in high school. in junior-high, talking about others's the hot-topic. i personally find it POINTLESS and just boring.

it's pretty tiring to be in a situation where people around you are fascinated to talk nasty about others, and you're the only one who doesn't make some kind of mean comment, and you are obligated to listen to their bitchy conversation.

and i know that a lot of times, I'M the "hot-topic" in a very bad way, naturally. it's really fucked up...

and nobody talks about them selves....which...i think is interesting. i mean, isn't THAT a real communication? you get to know a person better and the other way around?

OH! another thing:

making mean sarcastic (it's not even sarcastic. it's more obvious than sarcasm..) comments about others doesn't make you "funny" and mean that you have a good sense of humor. it just makes you look insecure...

people should really like this song...

"I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly and
I will spread these wings of mine..." :)

change of subject:....wow i don't even feel like complaining this time! lol maybe next time, who knows?

P.S. FINALLYYYYY i started to read "the catcher in the rye"! the french translation sucks balls but still...

BANANA IS BACK.....from italy

so....i went on a school trip to italy last week.

well...what can i say? it could've been better. and i've definitely been better. italy itself was amazing, except the lousy weather.

ancient monuments, the fountains...and other beautiful things filled with history would've been much MORE beautiful if I didn't feel like shit, and if i weren't surrounded by ignorant bitches and morons.

never trust people if you're not sure they can be trusted

that's the lesson i learned from this trip.

oh wait, there's another one:

idiots don't change, it's hopeless.

and just when i thought they MIGHT change (and we all know i'm not optimistic. well especially not anymore) by giving them a sign or making them realize that they made a mistake, BOOM! they are the ones who put you down, insult you and make you think that you're the "bad" one. obviously they didn't get my point. or apologize for that matter.

and also there's this girl.

overall image:

straight A student

innocent as an angel

everybody's friend (i wouldn't say boys like her. she's just "too friendly" to be a gf)

never uses bad words...well actually she doesn't know any (i don't think i've ever heard her say "fuck". it's not a bad thing-don't get me wrong)

teachers love her etc.

(i'm not gonna talk about her looks just cause there's nothing particular about her that stands out. well i'll tell you that she's short, no make-up, medium blond) ANYWAYS back to the topic.

i found out she's like a pigeon that sends out letters (idk how you call 'em. homing pigeons or somethin'?) or a spy. she gossips all the time. and you wouldn't be able to tell that from just looking at her because she has that "nice girl" aura.

she acts all nice with everyone, including me. but when it comes to making choices and picking sides, she chooses the strong side. of course.

she can't make her own decisions based on what she thinks. it's like she "doesn't have a spine" (credits to "bride war":P) she's a kiss ass, insincere...and a bitch when she's with the popular group. "poor little girl"...

even if they don't get why people get hurt because of them, don't you think if they watch you cry in front of them being hurt, that they should apologize?

idk, maybe i'm asking too much...

this was SO all over the place. im sure nobody even got an idea of what i was talking about.