who wins the award of the best chick flick movie-director? ME! ME! ME!

my step sis isn't the only one making up stories (i said that already in my "the first day i met my trouble" article...jk, that's not what it's called.)

but yeah. mine tend to turn out to be...quite depressing.

and get this, unlike my sister's characters (actually ONE AND ONLY character...:P) ,mine always change! 

one day it's my druggy, guitar-playing, mind-blurring, can't-get-out-of-my-head dude,  

then the other day it's this cute little curly-haired cutie-cute *and ALSO* guitar-playing dude (i have a thing for guitar players don't i..??)  

then after that it's the kid that seems to be capricorn (i'm sick people!! i'm experiencing some bad zodiac mania syndromes)

okay...i exaggerated.

i cannot express myself properly can i? 

...mother of god...i need some help clearing out my mind. oh speaking of cleaning, my room's a HOT mess. well, that's nothing extra-ordinary. it can wait a couple of years...

memories..like the corners of my mind.

some things i remember that aren't too personal.


i will come back to this later. when i will be TOO bored to do anything else. cause i think it's nice to remember stuff that are left behind...

i remember that week in hawaii...i felt so liberated, i felt happy.

i remember that my best friend in kindergarten and my best friend from 3rd to 5th grade had the same name. and also that those friendships didn't last long. none of them do actually.

i remember that i made a club where i taught russian to some girls in 2nd grade (i believe).

i also remember that i used to pretend to be a spy-kid with that friend from 3rd grade.

i remember my old apartment..and the other apartment,,,and my old house. as you see i moved a lot.

i remember that when i was very little i loved dressing up as Cinderella....lol yupp i was cute back then.

i remember that i once choked on a candy that almost killed me. but here i am, writing this crap no one cares for:)

i remember that i used to steal and watch my mom's sex and the city when i was 11. but then of course she found out. haha very sneaky...

oh about that, i remember asking my mom what sex was like non-stop.
 i also remember my reaction when she finally told me about it. i can tell you, my reaction wasn't good.....it went something like this: "...a naked man?? on top of a woman??? with the touching and stuff? EW"

i remember that sever since i had my own room, it hasn't changed it's appearance. i do everything to keep it from looking kind of descent.

i remember that i had fish. all of them died in about 2 weeks.

i remember having the same nightmare over and over for about a month.

i remember going out of the city wit my mom.

i remember that we used to go to disney land almost every month.

i also remember that i skipped school for that.

i remember every time i was late for school, i would take a train and go all the way and get off at the last station just to go to starbucks and finish my homework over a cup of coffee and a scone..but SHHHH

i remember crying in front of teachers.

i remember that first year in france. it was awful. terrible. unbearable.

i remember my grandma's chocolate cake with cherries soaked in vodka...MMMmmm

i remember that i accidentally drank my mom's cognac thinking it was iced tea. i would've appreciated it more if i knew that i had to wait 18 years to be able to drink!!

i remember every one of my uncountable crushes. hahaha kidding, there aren't so many.


i remember moscow metro stations. i miss it...

i want too many things

i want to feel the way i felt in my 2nd last article. i shined. i felt good...not the best i could be, but that day (or at least after school...DUHH) i shined from within. i never shine...... i stay matte. and matte means boring, colorless, ....just not me.

i want to sparkle.

i want new things everyday.

i want guys to turn around when i pass by. NOT WHISTLE-that's just not gentle-men like..lol

i want them to stare at me.

i want them to be intrigued by me.

i want to be like a firework.

i want to like going to school.

i want to stop being a mess.

i want to believe. in anyone. in anything.

i want him. or..them..? i want anyone...lol

i want everyday to be better than the one before and always different.

i want to skip this stage of life. i hate my age.

i want to laugh. a lot.

i want everyone fake out of my life.

i want everyone to see the good in people. or at least try to.

i want to cry.

i want to swim naked. (that's umm...random)

i want to feel butterflies in my stomach.

i want them to want me.

i want to have a whole week just like a fairytale.

i want to stop wanting.

i want i want i want MOREEeeee

yeah i want a lot of silly things.

The Atheist's Puzzle-LE VIDE!!!

LEA!!! c'est le copain de charly d'angleterre (lol) et IL PARLE DES ATOMES!!! ca ne te rappelle pas qlq chose?? :OOO hahaha ON EST EN EFFET VIDE.

a post that's way too long...haha

my god i've never felt this relief before. so here's the story.

today in my singing class, we were 3 as usual and our teacher (we really don't have a student-teacher relationship though) made us sing in the most expressive way possible. 

so for example she'd give us a feeling and we would express it through body language and dancing:) so she made us be flamenco dancers, ballet dancers, rock stars, sing as if we were totally STONED et caetra.(something you would do when you're 5. haha no but it was fun....)

at first it was...i have to say embarrassing as hell considering that we're certainly not the best dancers in the world. 

but as soon as we loosened up....holy moly our voices became so.fricking.powerful.so.strong.so.intense. and that's what i thought my problem was with my voice, that it was too weak. HELL NO i just needed to humiliate myself a couple of times in front of people and do my little chicken dance and that's it..haha 

then the best part of the exercise was when she gave us a scenario to play. of course we would sing at the same time cause that's the whole point of it. so the girls (E. and i) played the role of a girl who was late on a date  and the guy who was waiting for 2 hours and was furious. and then when we were done with that, she made us do another scenario where i had to be there (late again) first so..do the same stuff: i had to act as if i felt guilty and was sorry and the guy had to act pissed, but then the second girl would come in (singing the same part again with both of us) and she and i would both realize that he was cheating on us.

but wait for it, it's still not the best part.

then....Y came in. cause we actually finished a lot later then we normally do. i didn't even feel the time pass by...(especially compared to SCHOOL in which i normally count every second left...but ANYWAYS  ) so we got to do it in front of him and i was literally only a meter away from him (plus i started singing first...oh wow:P)

so...yeah. and man...singing really gets it out of you!!! :O it's, i believe the best way to get rid of all the frustration that kept building inside you. plus when you know that the auditory (a very special auditory i must say) is right near you...you know:P

all the songs are in italian btw...hot...lol

oh boy do i sound like a child! hahah yeah i do. cause today. is. the. last. day. of. school....at least for now. :)

happy fall break! if you even have any of those...ciao bellas

from childhood to adolescence...the same exact thing

i'm gonna spill it out. cause i'm tired of holding it in........

i'm too white there, i'm too asian here, i'm too thin, i'm too MUCH everywhere.


i deleted half of this article. but the main point's still here.

wow..

today was my sad day. cried like a baby...same old same old. and just when i think that if i were in the u.s. i would be in high school..:/ rrr..i'm just upset that all my life's just gonna be a constant battle, whether it's with me or others.

but nevertheless i'm glad i get the chance to smile everyday outside of school. thank god i still have hope...

..i...i wonder does dreaming really keep you from feeling awful? 
is it a way of escape? or it just aggravates everything?

woo you scared me.

i frankly prefer to be unpopular than to constantly have someone on my back, to constantly look for someone new to make fun of and to...well...be a bitch you know..

after having to be everyones' slave for 4 years i tried to be the queen bee's worker bee - it worked. it always works. it's so much easier to be superior that the opposite.( but then again i was in 6th grade)  then i tried to be a shadow, doesn't work. i thought not getting attention was easy and non-harmful to anyone.

yeah...to make it sound simple, it's that people think that having something that stands out is a lack of something more than like a quality. even having something to be proud of is considered shameful. what's wrong with the world?

i feel like i'm incapable of embracing something unique i have. i do it only when i'm overseas...

someday i'll be the best of me. till then i will try my best to suck in every little knowledge i get from now on and don't mind the others

why don't we turn it the other way around?

YOUR ENEMYS' FRIEND CAN BE YOUR...BOYFRIEND.....?? wait what?

wow im still shocked how small this town is and that practically everybody's everybodys' friend!! :/ i'm confused...

i made a deal. pinky promice

god (whoever that is ) : sometimes he does listen to me and makes my wishes come true...he listened to me this year. but i want more. (btw no, i'm not religious...and i have a very vague idea of what "religion" even is. but that's not the point here. and in fact i don't even want to call god "him". who even knows it's a man??)

i'm incomplete. there's that big part in my life that's missing. i need it now. i'm not the age i actually am mentally and now i just need it...i should've experienced all these stuff in the past but i just didn't have the chance to..

i want to feel alive.

and i know i'm doing something that i like now but that's not enough. i can like as much as i want and whoever i want but it won't make a difference unless i receive the same.

so i decided that i will find myself someday walking side by side to him, laughing...enjoying the life that i've been given.

should i hope? wait? PRAY?? or just go with it...

please allow me to post more of the usual teenage blah-blah in the future...lol 

I'M NUTS. macadamia nuts. i hate nuts....wtf??

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i physically NEED to scream. go to some forest in the middle of the night and just scream my butt off.

"mr DeAleR" didn't show up...and i think he switched classes WHICH means i'm not gonna have any chance...or a very slight chance of getting to know him in which case i'm screwed..totally.

look at me making up a story all by myself. going on and on with my "what if one day.." "maybe someday.."

ugh i feel like a fool. come on banana sober up. if it's meant to be then it'll happen right?

i can go on and on about this...

brain cocktaiL

...that doesn't make any sense. well a brain cocktail is a state when you cannot put a normal sentence together and think straight. it's kind of like being drunk or high but...ohh man...is it another little crush? NO, this one's a big one. and it will probably end with a crash. let's not hope so. no wait i take that back.


ok. well that being said, i'm starting my language lessons next week. lovely isn't it. 24/7 without a rest...kinda. well i just simply can't imagine being in highschool and still doing all these things i'm doing now.

i see lots of headaches, under-eye circles, and nail-biting  in the future...

goals.

these i'm pretty sure won't be accomplished until i'm...well old.

AND WISE!

1-learn and  re-learn 7 languages. so...3 more to go. + re-learn 2 + finish learning 2 (oh god damn it...lol)

2.have an amazing, well-payed job....FINISH SCHOOL FIRST. which i will, with great results.

3.beat my laziness!!!!

4.AND MY MESSINESS!!!! 

5.NOT GET WRINKLES, NOT GET FAT-horrorrrrr (hahah that's embarrassing)

6.what's more horrifying? being dependent on someone!

7.get happily married and have kids. ain't i so cheesy? :).

8.find the perfect balance between personal life and work.

9.be happy...that's all i want.

10.learn anything i can learn.

11.somehow understand SOMETHING in science.

12.stay away from smoking.
13.finish at least ONE of my craft/art things... 

i'm gonna add some more goals leitaaa....

but that's all for now:)