30 Seconds To Mars - Capricorn Acoustic (Knoxville 9-15-05)

il manque la 2eme voix mais....c'est pas mal..:)

Heroin Addicts Speak

see for yourself

i've heard it. i know it now, i just need to use it in my favor...

i can almost say i know myself well enough to forgive others. but it's coming back. fear of rejection, of...idk. but i know that i'm gonna get through it. and in the end it will seem so small.

i think it's important to know things, you might have heard before but didn't really put into consideration, or just think about.          things like:

-jealousy, when you think about is fear. hate is fear. anything negative comes from low self-esteem or lack of knowledge, lack of heart and kindness.

-instead of getting angry or frustrated, the best way to change that is simply remind yourself of how good you are. your qualities, things that people might not see, even if that upsets you, it's for you. and it won't hurt anyone.

-you always have choices. you can choose to do whatever you want,  even to be happy.

-it's hard to turn everything into something positive, but it's always possible. it takes time and effort, but...is there something valuable that doesn't take time and effort?

-everything happens for a reason!!! it's just your lesson to learn. obstacles will be there, in your life until you figure out how to use them in your favor and learn something from it. you will learn for the rest of your life. i'm not talking geometry here, but..everything,

-what will be best for you and for others is giving out love. every day, every second. why hate when we can love? it sounds so simple, and you might think, "well that would be too easy" and well YES. it is. you just have to let go.

-you are lucky to have what you have, you have something unique and different.

-the more grateful you are, the more reasons you find to be grateful.

new year's resolution

...put the little pieces of the puzzle together

clean up my life, since i already found things that have to be cleaned it'll be easier

put MYSELF together

not be single...cause i just can't handle the loneliness anymore

.....be happier, healthier, more confident.

it's weird...i don't care about my grades anymore...i think i'm gonna throw it all out of the window cause i'm just through with school. i'm done, i've got no more motivation.

folle de chez folle.....bordel je suis folle

HAAAAAAALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEELUJAH! schoool is over. school is over. it is over! it is over!  

and i am in loooooove. ......fuck

mamma miiia.

I DON'T CARE how stupid this blog is becoming, but that's how your brain works....or doesn't work when you have a crush. oh boy...take a chill pill banana...

alalala fuck you facebook you ruined my life.

UPDATE-zodiacs

THIS will be focused more on my own relationships with all of the signs or what i learned from the very smart internet who knows it all:)

ARIES-energetic (up to you to decide whether it's good or bad) selfish. all over the place. but one of my friends is Aries and i like her...

TAURUS-stubborn, unsure, ignorant, awesome, kind, attractive, deep people! most of my crushes were AND are Tauruses. But they're weak...and easily influenced.

we mesh though:) p.s. all of my crushes were....and ARE Tauruses. oh yes.

GEMINI-huge players and flirts. not really motivated. they just "go with the flow"..lol i'm so old-school.
they don't care about the consequences.  they've got two sides to them.

CANCER-umm..not much to say. they're sensitive...dependent.

LEO-they have their own style...they're generous.  HOWEVER they're even more stubborn than Tauruses, and intolerant. For lions, they sometimes act like pigs, so selfish. Websites say that they're gracious and generous. But the fact that they're generous also comes with the fact that they spend their money without really thinking whether it's worth it or not.

VIRGO-Well one of them practically was so fake that i lost all hope in getting along with other Virgos. they're organized, classy,....blahblahblah. People who I know are most definitely NOT classy. 

LIBRA-Diplomatic, intelligent creatures. Interesting...fun to be around. i like em. One of them especially:)

SCORPIO-intense, passionate, popular..yeah sounds great but they hurt people ignorantly, self-centered, difficult...secretly jealous. they sting, then they punish themselves. Lots of them have stung me.

SAGITTARIUS-...I'm starting to change my mind about them. I kinda like them. Cons: FLIRT ALERT!!! they will hop in and out of beds. Great match for POISSONS who like playing...

CAPRICORN-MY SELF. well..all the web sites say that capricorns are organized!

umm YEAH take a look at my room and you'll see just how much it's "ORGANIZED".

Otherwise I'm pretty much a typical capricorn.

i'm realistic, serious and down-to-earth...im kind of a little bit pessimistic and i don't trust easily. I become stronger as i get hurt. I'm strong-willed and am NOT irrational...except for sometimes. but that's just cause I'm a girl:) you know what? I like my sign!

AQUARIUS-They are creative, intelligent may i say? BUT they change their minds regularly , naive, they don't know what they want and they are WEAK. Unfocused and undetermined will be good words to explain this sign too.

PISCES-hmm...PISCES...that's fish...me no likey..but me likey smoked salmon:) no, seriously. They would be awesome in a Shakespeare play.They are so overemotional, also players, UNLOGICAL, stupid even sometimes. they're very "light" if you know what i mean.

what i do on sundays

i watched barbie with my 16 year old sister and i am not ashamed to say it!! AND SHE ISN'T EITHER!

yes, we are two proud young women.

laziness

i am truly the laziest living creature in the whole wide world. i think it's my worst fault.

if i were a cartoon caracter, i would be somewhere between garfield and seth the sloth.

..ha..hahah...ha..

"I'm not French, I'm Portuguese!" ...oh get back to earth missy, europeans are all mixed. it's like right next to each other! there's Spain next to France and then there it is : Portugal.

it's like saying "i'm not Russian, I'm Ukranian" ....get my point?


Remember, we started out as monkeys, and monkeys probably didn't care if they were French or Portuguese. They were just monkeys and that was satisfying enough.

oh mon dieu encore un long article...muaha..ha..ha..

this blog, being of course one of the only places where i can express my thoughts, was NOT supposed to be only about serious stuff but now most of my articles are becoming like..."confidence" and "self-distraction" and "serenity and inner-harmony"....ugh....hahah

i talk about my issues too much i huh? oh what can i say? that's just adolescence...

okay, so, i think i didn't make it clear enough for myself the first time so i'm gonna go ahead and talk MORE about my issues:D

so some people think that, or are upset about me not being interested in a lot of things.

true, cause i don't talk about it, and somehow stuff that i do talk about is the stuff that doesn't really matter.

and true, i am not interested in politics, and i will never pretend like i do. now, books. i won't lie to you, i'm not a big reader. but as the matter of fact, you're the one distracting me, so it's really YOUR fault. (..jk^^)

if i didn't have you, my dear computer, i would be crazy about reading. damn right i would. besides, literature DOES interest me and when i get something in class to read or analyze i am 100% concentrated on doing that.

the only thing i don't want is for people to underestimate me. that's all. cause i know the faults i have and i don't want them being said by others.i don't need them reminding me it constantly.

i am interested in environment, ecology, doing good for people..what else...languages, discovering new things, whatever. i just like to discover all those things on my own time schedule and when i feel like it. i just know that it works better for me. see, i learned french naturally, i didn't have to force myself and now i can proudly say that my writing is definitely better than some french people's writing.

so....yes. that's it for now. i'm gonna go get some sleep....that i never get, not because i do not have time...(which is partially true considering that i need 12hours of sleep per day) but because i have you, my dear computer.

"you are loved"

"you are perfect. you will be loved just the way you are. you are beautiful in all your flaws. you are loved. you were made to be adorned by all of creation. you are loved. you are the peak of creation made with the utmost beauty in thought. you are loved. when God thought of the word beauty, you are what HE saw. He made every part of your body with simplicity and beauty. every cell that makes you, that makes your skin glowing and radiant, every cell that makes your fingers, toes, hands and feet. you are loved. body, your butt, and breasts, your hair, your arms, your back, your thighs and hips, your knees and calves, you are beautiful, you are LOVED. BODY, you were made to be loved. To be gawked at, you were made to be admired and make the world a more beautiful place.BODY YOU ARE LOVED."

i saw this on another girl's blog. i hope anyone who sees this, copies and pastes this and passes this on.

beliefs.

my beliefs told me that i chose my parents.

that i chose my life and the obstacles that came with it, my personality and my entourage. 

i think if my theory is right, then it all makes sense: i think the reason why i'm so interested in zodiacs and astrology and all that is because it's a way of thinking. it's a kind of religion really...and i chose to believe in what it says 'cause it lets me understand others, and myself more. 

and i think since i chose to be born between dec. 23 and jan. 20, there is a reason for that. or if you put it the other way around, then if i chose so many obstacles at the beginning of my life, it's because i wanted to learn faster and because deep down inside i knew that it would be a lesson, that would be useful for the rest of my life.

i'm a goat sign which says that normally if i'm determined to get something i go and get it nomatter how hard it is. i definitely chose to have a lot of challenges in my life, to see how far i go i guess...

"Your token is the Goat which shows just how capable you are of reaching the heights of any mountain."

"You are emotionally cool so you don't warm to people that easily until you get to know them."

"Sometimes others make the mistake of thinking you are elitist. They get the sense you are looking down on them but this is not so because you are actually a very generous person with both your money and your time and if the cause is a worthy one there are fewer who are as generous as you."

"You gain greater strength than others from whatever misfortune occurs."

i chose everything that surrounds me...and if i did it then it's for a reason.

now i know what i have to learn to do in my life time. and i know that it'll take me a long time to accomplish what i have to. 

now i know what to work on...

who wins the award of the best chick flick movie-director? ME! ME! ME!

my step sis isn't the only one making up stories (i said that already in my "the first day i met my trouble" article...jk, that's not what it's called.)

but yeah. mine tend to turn out to be...quite depressing.

and get this, unlike my sister's characters (actually ONE AND ONLY character...:P) ,mine always change! 

one day it's my druggy, guitar-playing, mind-blurring, can't-get-out-of-my-head dude,  

then the other day it's this cute little curly-haired cutie-cute *and ALSO* guitar-playing dude (i have a thing for guitar players don't i..??)  

then after that it's the kid that seems to be capricorn (i'm sick people!! i'm experiencing some bad zodiac mania syndromes)

okay...i exaggerated.

i cannot express myself properly can i? 

...mother of god...i need some help clearing out my mind. oh speaking of cleaning, my room's a HOT mess. well, that's nothing extra-ordinary. it can wait a couple of years...

memories..like the corners of my mind.

some things i remember that aren't too personal.


i will come back to this later. when i will be TOO bored to do anything else. cause i think it's nice to remember stuff that are left behind...

i remember that week in hawaii...i felt so liberated, i felt happy.

i remember that my best friend in kindergarten and my best friend from 3rd to 5th grade had the same name. and also that those friendships didn't last long. none of them do actually.

i remember that i made a club where i taught russian to some girls in 2nd grade (i believe).

i also remember that i used to pretend to be a spy-kid with that friend from 3rd grade.

i remember my old apartment..and the other apartment,,,and my old house. as you see i moved a lot.

i remember that when i was very little i loved dressing up as Cinderella....lol yupp i was cute back then.

i remember that i once choked on a candy that almost killed me. but here i am, writing this crap no one cares for:)

i remember that i used to steal and watch my mom's sex and the city when i was 11. but then of course she found out. haha very sneaky...

oh about that, i remember asking my mom what sex was like non-stop.
 i also remember my reaction when she finally told me about it. i can tell you, my reaction wasn't good.....it went something like this: "...a naked man?? on top of a woman??? with the touching and stuff? EW"

i remember that sever since i had my own room, it hasn't changed it's appearance. i do everything to keep it from looking kind of descent.

i remember that i had fish. all of them died in about 2 weeks.

i remember having the same nightmare over and over for about a month.

i remember going out of the city wit my mom.

i remember that we used to go to disney land almost every month.

i also remember that i skipped school for that.

i remember every time i was late for school, i would take a train and go all the way and get off at the last station just to go to starbucks and finish my homework over a cup of coffee and a scone..but SHHHH

i remember crying in front of teachers.

i remember that first year in france. it was awful. terrible. unbearable.

i remember my grandma's chocolate cake with cherries soaked in vodka...MMMmmm

i remember that i accidentally drank my mom's cognac thinking it was iced tea. i would've appreciated it more if i knew that i had to wait 18 years to be able to drink!!

i remember every one of my uncountable crushes. hahaha kidding, there aren't so many.


i remember moscow metro stations. i miss it...

i want too many things

i want to feel the way i felt in my 2nd last article. i shined. i felt good...not the best i could be, but that day (or at least after school...DUHH) i shined from within. i never shine...... i stay matte. and matte means boring, colorless, ....just not me.

i want to sparkle.

i want new things everyday.

i want guys to turn around when i pass by. NOT WHISTLE-that's just not gentle-men like..lol

i want them to stare at me.

i want them to be intrigued by me.

i want to be like a firework.

i want to like going to school.

i want to stop being a mess.

i want to believe. in anyone. in anything.

i want him. or..them..? i want anyone...lol

i want everyday to be better than the one before and always different.

i want to skip this stage of life. i hate my age.

i want to laugh. a lot.

i want everyone fake out of my life.

i want everyone to see the good in people. or at least try to.

i want to cry.

i want to swim naked. (that's umm...random)

i want to feel butterflies in my stomach.

i want them to want me.

i want to have a whole week just like a fairytale.

i want to stop wanting.

i want i want i want MOREEeeee

yeah i want a lot of silly things.

The Atheist's Puzzle-LE VIDE!!!

LEA!!! c'est le copain de charly d'angleterre (lol) et IL PARLE DES ATOMES!!! ca ne te rappelle pas qlq chose?? :OOO hahaha ON EST EN EFFET VIDE.

a post that's way too long...haha

my god i've never felt this relief before. so here's the story.

today in my singing class, we were 3 as usual and our teacher (we really don't have a student-teacher relationship though) made us sing in the most expressive way possible. 

so for example she'd give us a feeling and we would express it through body language and dancing:) so she made us be flamenco dancers, ballet dancers, rock stars, sing as if we were totally STONED et caetra.(something you would do when you're 5. haha no but it was fun....)

at first it was...i have to say embarrassing as hell considering that we're certainly not the best dancers in the world. 

but as soon as we loosened up....holy moly our voices became so.fricking.powerful.so.strong.so.intense. and that's what i thought my problem was with my voice, that it was too weak. HELL NO i just needed to humiliate myself a couple of times in front of people and do my little chicken dance and that's it..haha 

then the best part of the exercise was when she gave us a scenario to play. of course we would sing at the same time cause that's the whole point of it. so the girls (E. and i) played the role of a girl who was late on a date  and the guy who was waiting for 2 hours and was furious. and then when we were done with that, she made us do another scenario where i had to be there (late again) first so..do the same stuff: i had to act as if i felt guilty and was sorry and the guy had to act pissed, but then the second girl would come in (singing the same part again with both of us) and she and i would both realize that he was cheating on us.

but wait for it, it's still not the best part.

then....Y came in. cause we actually finished a lot later then we normally do. i didn't even feel the time pass by...(especially compared to SCHOOL in which i normally count every second left...but ANYWAYS  ) so we got to do it in front of him and i was literally only a meter away from him (plus i started singing first...oh wow:P)

so...yeah. and man...singing really gets it out of you!!! :O it's, i believe the best way to get rid of all the frustration that kept building inside you. plus when you know that the auditory (a very special auditory i must say) is right near you...you know:P

all the songs are in italian btw...hot...lol

oh boy do i sound like a child! hahah yeah i do. cause today. is. the. last. day. of. school....at least for now. :)

happy fall break! if you even have any of those...ciao bellas

from childhood to adolescence...the same exact thing

i'm gonna spill it out. cause i'm tired of holding it in........

i'm too white there, i'm too asian here, i'm too thin, i'm too MUCH everywhere.


i deleted half of this article. but the main point's still here.

wow..

today was my sad day. cried like a baby...same old same old. and just when i think that if i were in the u.s. i would be in high school..:/ rrr..i'm just upset that all my life's just gonna be a constant battle, whether it's with me or others.

but nevertheless i'm glad i get the chance to smile everyday outside of school. thank god i still have hope...

..i...i wonder does dreaming really keep you from feeling awful? 
is it a way of escape? or it just aggravates everything?