OVER MY HEAD.....

What happened to you
You've played the victim for so long now in this game
What I thought was true
Is made of fiction and I'm following the same

But if I try to make sense of this mess I'm in
I'm not sure where I should begin
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'

Now I'm in over my head
with something I said
Completely misread
I'm better off dead
And now I can see
How fake you can be
This hypocrisy is beginning to get to me

It's none of my concern
Don't look to me because I don't believe in fame
I guess you never heard
I've met our makers they don't even know your name

But if I had to say goodbye to leave this hell
I'd say my time has served me well
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'

TURNS OUT, I'M JUST AS MESSED UP AS EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THIS PLANET. and i'm the exact copy of my mom. HELP!!

OOOOOOOH sweet lord....i'm writing all this crap that no one reads. and i put so much effort into these posts! not this one though. so you might as well stop right here.

anyways onto the topic (like there's someone else but my sister who reads this..)

im just as messed up as everyone else, but in a different way. yah, you're probably wondering what the hell i'm talkin' about?

i know, i'm just as confused as you are. everytime i tell a story it's soo all over the place, you can't get my point. (i do it better on my blog, cause then i have time to think through it before i actually write it)

i'll never be good at expressing what's on my mind....which is why i made this blog to start with.

ANYWAYS, what i'm trying to say (and i'm still failing at it) issss that i make the exact same mistakes as my mom. i'm following her pattern. i can't even believe that i used to judge her. well actually that's only a sign of immaturity.

cause kids at my school are still pretty much enjoying judging every living creature or an object that surrounds them; from their french teacher who gives too much homework to a cake that's too sweet for their taste.. nothing's good enough for them.

my thing, is that i forgive very easily, which is also a good thing because you don't get to keep the anger inside you, but i let people use me, without even noticing. it gets really frustrating.
and what else do i do like my mom? i compare myself to her, even though when she does it, it drives me crazy. and i think i realized how much we resemble just about a month ago.

...this is really the only post i made that doesn't have a point to it....i'm SORRY.

Oh Nostalgia...

Last summer, when i went to tokyo for one 1/2 month, i felt a strange mixture of feelings. the time i actually REALLY realized I hated my father, and that i had lost all respect for him. but anyways, despite the cold atmosphere at "home" and the fact that i couldn't see my friends as much as i wanted to, i felt amazing.

i felt free and powerful, i was the best of me. even though i did feel lonely, and a little bit homesick, when i walked on the streets of tokyo in my 5 inch heels, i felt like i ruled the city. so it was totally worth dealing with my dad and other crappy stuff....

i miss being asked in harajuku "are you a model? would you like to be a model? could you give us your cell?" i actually felt beautiful, while in france, i'm not appreciated at all. or at least there aren't a lot of modeling agencies in this shitty town that are interested in hiring me.

and i LOVE being looked at as one of the "pretty ones". i love how people think that i'm american or something and that i seem older than my actual age (people think im in my 20s)

once i bought alcohol saying that i didn't speak japanese when the guy asked for my ID. he didn't know how to say "ID" so he asked for my age and i just naturally answered "21" :). it totally worked. it was like i had power over people because i know more than them.

the weird thing is, you'd think i'd feel smaller in a big city with all the buildings, but actually i feel tiny in the town i'm living, cause i have no self confidence.

that's it. self confidence. i need compliments to feel confident. without people telling me nice things, i feel like nothing...

it used to (when i lived in japan) piss me off when people called me "russian" and "american" and such, but now it seems like a "compliment" of some sort. cause now i'm considered "chinese". thats what lowers my self-esteem..

but i always knew that tokyo wasn't for me...there's a lot of things people don't know about the japanese culture, but i'm not here to make a list of inconveniences about japan and all that. it would be a one huge blog post. lol

i was having an overall deja-vu from a different point of view.

i saw tokyo for the first time from a different point of view. POINT OF VIEW of a person who has lived in france, and tokyo, and moscow and can compare those 3 cultures.

and that's worthy of an experience no matter what.

You Little Narcissus! lol

HA! it's so amuzing to me. you're IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF. ohhh im not mocking you. you do that for me!

i just sincerely find it amuzing. i can just imagine what you think when you look in a mirror. and not just that!

after every little "jokey-joke" you say you have this..PROUD look on you, like you won a nobel prize or something. you think you're so clever with your words...and even if you are, you display (may i say) it with such pompousness!

well i must say your modesty AMAZES me.

ahh i just needed to let it out. and share it with...no one. since not many people read my blog....too bad. you have no idea what you're missing out on! lol

POSITIVE EMOTIONS. ...or not.

i admire people who can think positively even when they're in a bad place in their life. that's one thing about me that i don't like at all: negativity. i attract bad thoughts.

(people say capricorns are often like this. my gosh im such a zodiac nerd...lol)

i once read in a magazine that you have to force yourself to smile, so that your brain will think that you feel happy! it's all about tricking your mind actually. to my surprise, it really helps:)

SO SMILE:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

WHAT'S THE POINT? annoyances....

why? WHYYYY tell me?

they really don't get your point, do they? if you don't respond, it means that...you simply don't want to, and that you don't find it necessary to talk about it. because you don't need to.

simply put, stuff that concerns others DOESNT INTREST ANYBODY. thats what people (kind of) start to get in high school. in junior-high, talking about others's the hot-topic. i personally find it POINTLESS and just boring.

it's pretty tiring to be in a situation where people around you are fascinated to talk nasty about others, and you're the only one who doesn't make some kind of mean comment, and you are obligated to listen to their bitchy conversation.

and i know that a lot of times, I'M the "hot-topic" in a very bad way, naturally. it's really fucked up...

and nobody talks about them selves....which...i think is interesting. i mean, isn't THAT a real communication? you get to know a person better and the other way around?

OH! another thing:

making mean sarcastic (it's not even sarcastic. it's more obvious than sarcasm..) comments about others doesn't make you "funny" and mean that you have a good sense of humor. it just makes you look insecure...

people should really like this song...

"I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly and
I will spread these wings of mine..." :)

change of subject:....wow i don't even feel like complaining this time! lol maybe next time, who knows?

P.S. FINALLYYYYY i started to read "the catcher in the rye"! the french translation sucks balls but still...

BANANA IS BACK.....from italy

so....i went on a school trip to italy last week.

well...what can i say? it could've been better. and i've definitely been better. italy itself was amazing, except the lousy weather.

ancient monuments, the fountains...and other beautiful things filled with history would've been much MORE beautiful if I didn't feel like shit, and if i weren't surrounded by ignorant bitches and morons.

never trust people if you're not sure they can be trusted

that's the lesson i learned from this trip.

oh wait, there's another one:

idiots don't change, it's hopeless.

and just when i thought they MIGHT change (and we all know i'm not optimistic. well especially not anymore) by giving them a sign or making them realize that they made a mistake, BOOM! they are the ones who put you down, insult you and make you think that you're the "bad" one. obviously they didn't get my point. or apologize for that matter.

and also there's this girl.

overall image:

straight A student

innocent as an angel

everybody's friend (i wouldn't say boys like her. she's just "too friendly" to be a gf)

never uses bad words...well actually she doesn't know any (i don't think i've ever heard her say "fuck". it's not a bad thing-don't get me wrong)

teachers love her etc.

(i'm not gonna talk about her looks just cause there's nothing particular about her that stands out. well i'll tell you that she's short, no make-up, medium blond) ANYWAYS back to the topic.

i found out she's like a pigeon that sends out letters (idk how you call 'em. homing pigeons or somethin'?) or a spy. she gossips all the time. and you wouldn't be able to tell that from just looking at her because she has that "nice girl" aura.

she acts all nice with everyone, including me. but when it comes to making choices and picking sides, she chooses the strong side. of course.

she can't make her own decisions based on what she thinks. it's like she "doesn't have a spine" (credits to "bride war":P) she's a kiss ass, insincere...and a bitch when she's with the popular group. "poor little girl"...

even if they don't get why people get hurt because of them, don't you think if they watch you cry in front of them being hurt, that they should apologize?

idk, maybe i'm asking too much...

this was SO all over the place. im sure nobody even got an idea of what i was talking about.

fear of every other teenager.

the fear. for most of the people that i know, it's the fear of being lonely=not being popular (for them it's basically the same thing) , and being flawed. what i mean by "flawed" is...looking silly or goofy, i guess.

well i don't hide mine. i mean not FLAWS that would ruin my relationship with people but, the little differences that make you YOU. you know what i mean? i think usually when you meet a person you fall in love with the flaws. i find them cute and unique..and charming.

why would people want to be "perfect" all the time when you can be free (there are OBVIOUSLY some limits..) and...be who you really are. on the inside AND on the outside..

BANANA IS ANGRY/FRUSTRRATED

so most of my articles are written when i'm super stressed and i have no one i can talk to,

or when i want to KILL my self (no jk, don't worry i won't)

(oh yeah i just remembered you wouldn't even care, so never mind!)

SO...this article is gonna be one of those.

my fucking classmates (if you even can call them "mates") are UNBEARABLE. i understand, they have no experience in their fucking lives, they grew up in an incredibly small town etc.

but HOW?howww can they be SO immature? like for god sakes, get a brain. I BEG YOU.

how can i explain it....they are first of all

1. ·stupid·
2. •dumb•
3. •·rude·•
4. ••egoistic••
5. ••boring as chickens, (oh wait i take that back, at least they're amusing. they can run without their heads.) let's say cows, or better yet snails••
6. cruel. cruel meaning cold-hearted.☃
7. narcissistic but at the same time insecure!

seriously i feel like im studying with evil brats.

when i'm alone, i feel pretty good about myself,

i finally got over my silly insecurities,

but of course when i go to school/my real-life hell,

there's always some idiot who puts me down.

i know there might be still those kind of people in the adult world, always some bitch

who's gonna steal your job saying you don't deserve it or...whatever.

but i mean, open your eyes,

look at yourself in the mirror,

AND YOU WILL NOTICE

HOW RIDICULOUS YOU ARE! YOU'RE P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C.

does putting people down make you feel better about yourself?

insulting people-it really is kind of like your hobby..

you've got nothing else to talk about have you?

if they do want to talk shit about me,

i'd actually prefer them to do it behind my back...

damn what do you know about life?

...can i be anymore random?

DISNEY HAS CHANGED A LOT..

THIS IS RANDOM....HAHA

GLEEEEEEE 2:)

ok i gotta admit, i AM obsessed aaaaaall the way. come on it's only like the best tv show EVER.

i always wonder if rachel really sings like that though, cause shes just amazing. at least her voice is...nahh jk like her in general:]

I ONLY HOPE THAT JESSE'S NOT USING HER..cause i love them together..

look at me-it's like im watching this to escape from the reality..

SKY...

there's always some blue peeking out of the grey sky. :) right?

so among the assholes and the super shy guys OR gays there's gotta be ONE great guy!! thats my theory. (cause my sky's still grey-ish..lol)

THE movie that didn't make me cry but...

SO today i went to see a movie with my step sister. what movie? "REMEMBER ME"

well, since we're both pretty much desperate and didn't wanna see anything too depressing we thought it would be a good idea to see a comedy.

it was written "romantic comedy". sadly we believed it, we didn't even mind the not-so-comedy-ish title at that moment.

well in the first scene a little girls' mom was killed in front of her, so that made it all very very clear that we weren't gonna see much of a comedy there.

i liked it a lot.....but it WAS extremely depressing. i don't remember exactly what i felt while watching it but it DID feel like there appeared a hole in my heart and it was becoming bigger as the movie went on.

and the feeling when you KNOW he's gonna die...URGHH.

the end wasn't just another happy ending. it was JUUUST the opposite.

so this movie was just another SOMETHING to make me even happier and more satisfied with my life than i already AM.

p.s. apparently throughout the movie i made "comments" every five minutes...says so my sister:P

Lovey Dovey Loverson...and some other crap. lol jk:)

i love to love. but who TO love? boy-wise, who is there to love? ugh...its been pretty long since i've actually "fallen in love".....or whatever you call it. lol

well...i'm CURIOUS about this one guy...WHO OBVIOUSLY ISN'T available, is already in high school, AND who i haven't talked to in a LOOOOONG TIME.

i used to spent hours (..ok im exaggerating) waiting for him to get online..so that we could talk, even for a minute..just ti remind him that i was still alive. haha

no really..and when i made the first move he didn't even get it. I WAS SENEING HIM SIGNS. AND THEY WERE PRETTY OBVIOUS!!

ohhh boy am i obsessing again? bit of a boy-crush banana??

yes, i'm allowed to do it, i'm only 14. :P

GLEEEEEEE

IM OBSESSED❤ LOSERS ROCK. hahah:P

sweet 14..

these should be the best years of my adolescence. first love experiences, discovering new things, meeting new people.

NONE of this concerns me.

Love (with a capital L)-people say love is blind. well love might be but not me. i see things the way they are. im kind of like an X-ray machine. i see flaws. I'm not saying that i need perfection and that i don't accept flaws. NO! i don't accept flaws that are unacceptable. lol

anyways. ...i have liked some boys when i was little and i've had guys that occupied 90% of my mind before...but thats not love!!

....i find every single guy i meet IM-MA-TURE. just simply immature. i can't help it. so what i'm tryin' to say is that there is a VERY slight chance of me getting a boyfriend before i'm 17...or so.

and im not the problem here. there are guys who like me..i mean

1.im pretty pretty(..it doesn't make sense does it? xD) im not bragging but...you know, im definitely NOT "unattractive" im not curvy though...

2. i'm not stupid (four languages people! 5 with a tiny bit of spanish)

3. i'm not a hoe

but somehow guys are just more attracted to outgoing girls....even if they're stupid and not-so attractive...and slutty. so my love-life SUCKS IT.

AND my school life SUCKS IT.

conclusion: ...FML!! (ok that isn't so much of a conclusion but..)

Math..Logic

Why isn't life like math? It constitutes of logic. and as far as i know life ISN'T logical. kind of like french grammar. lol

but seriously if we could make conclusions in life based on math rules, wouldn't it be so much easier? kind of like 1+2=3

if we could "calculate our way through life" (:P) wouldn't it be awesome?

just a simple question...haha

NO, NO AND NO!

NO i cannot joke and laugh all the time, NO i cannot be energetic all the time, AND NO i cannot be fun all the time.

YES i like talking about serious things, i DO get frustrated and tired easily and finally YES i can be vulnerable and fragile, im a girl after all...

8th grade's the worst. people around me laugh like idiots FOR no reason. they gossip about things that don't change a thing in our lives just to have another subject for another meaningless conversation...basically i'm sometimes obligated to fake my laugh. im sick of faking...i think all of my adolescence will be like this. me faking....
 
to say the truth..i've never felt REALLY happy. except maybe for several years of my life...my school life was never good.  ruined.

what can i do to change my lifestyle? in this tiny miniscule town...
plus the thing's that i know the answer to my question. i have to work, and work hard to get out of here. my god i hate it when everything is up to me.


everything happens for a reason. i know that, i believe that. i only hope it's true..

BANANA isn't happy:/

it's such a shame, no one gets my humor. maybe except for my best friend but really no one does.

i know i have a "dark" sense of humor but goshhh play along or something. don't make ME feel retarded....please.

omg this blog has become a place where i just come and complain. actually it's workin' out great for me:) heheh

UUURGGGHH IMMATURE IDIOTS!! lol (i put lols to make my sentences less serious)


zubqe8ouvb ,;vpibcYnVbwbnqevBX.n˜0co!!!!!