new year's resolution

...put the little pieces of the puzzle together

clean up my life, since i already found things that have to be cleaned it'll be easier

put MYSELF together

not be single...cause i just can't handle the loneliness anymore

.....be happier, healthier, more confident.

it's weird...i don't care about my grades anymore...i think i'm gonna throw it all out of the window cause i'm just through with school. i'm done, i've got no more motivation.

folle de chez folle.....bordel je suis folle

HAAAAAAALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEELUJAH! schoool is over. school is over. it is over! it is over!  

and i am in loooooove. ......fuck

mamma miiia.

I DON'T CARE how stupid this blog is becoming, but that's how your brain works....or doesn't work when you have a crush. oh boy...take a chill pill banana...

alalala fuck you facebook you ruined my life.

UPDATE-zodiacs

THIS will be focused more on my own relationships with all of the signs or what i learned from the very smart internet who knows it all:)

ARIES-energetic (up to you to decide whether it's good or bad) selfish. all over the place. but one of my friends is Aries and i like her...

TAURUS-stubborn, unsure, ignorant, awesome, kind, attractive, deep people! most of my crushes were AND are Tauruses. But they're weak...and easily influenced.

we mesh though:) p.s. all of my crushes were....and ARE Tauruses. oh yes.

GEMINI-huge players and flirts. not really motivated. they just "go with the flow"..lol i'm so old-school.
they don't care about the consequences.  they've got two sides to them.

CANCER-umm..not much to say. they're sensitive...dependent.

LEO-they have their own style...they're generous.  HOWEVER they're even more stubborn than Tauruses, and intolerant. For lions, they sometimes act like pigs, so selfish. Websites say that they're gracious and generous. But the fact that they're generous also comes with the fact that they spend their money without really thinking whether it's worth it or not.

VIRGO-Well one of them practically was so fake that i lost all hope in getting along with other Virgos. they're organized, classy,....blahblahblah. People who I know are most definitely NOT classy. 

LIBRA-Diplomatic, intelligent creatures. Interesting...fun to be around. i like em. One of them especially:)

SCORPIO-intense, passionate, popular..yeah sounds great but they hurt people ignorantly, self-centered, difficult...secretly jealous. they sting, then they punish themselves. Lots of them have stung me.

SAGITTARIUS-...I'm starting to change my mind about them. I kinda like them. Cons: FLIRT ALERT!!! they will hop in and out of beds. Great match for POISSONS who like playing...

CAPRICORN-MY SELF. well..all the web sites say that capricorns are organized!

umm YEAH take a look at my room and you'll see just how much it's "ORGANIZED".

Otherwise I'm pretty much a typical capricorn.

i'm realistic, serious and down-to-earth...im kind of a little bit pessimistic and i don't trust easily. I become stronger as i get hurt. I'm strong-willed and am NOT irrational...except for sometimes. but that's just cause I'm a girl:) you know what? I like my sign!

AQUARIUS-They are creative, intelligent may i say? BUT they change their minds regularly , naive, they don't know what they want and they are WEAK. Unfocused and undetermined will be good words to explain this sign too.

PISCES-hmm...PISCES...that's fish...me no likey..but me likey smoked salmon:) no, seriously. They would be awesome in a Shakespeare play.They are so overemotional, also players, UNLOGICAL, stupid even sometimes. they're very "light" if you know what i mean.

what i do on sundays

i watched barbie with my 16 year old sister and i am not ashamed to say it!! AND SHE ISN'T EITHER!

yes, we are two proud young women.

laziness

i am truly the laziest living creature in the whole wide world. i think it's my worst fault.

if i were a cartoon caracter, i would be somewhere between garfield and seth the sloth.

..ha..hahah...ha..

"I'm not French, I'm Portuguese!" ...oh get back to earth missy, europeans are all mixed. it's like right next to each other! there's Spain next to France and then there it is : Portugal.

it's like saying "i'm not Russian, I'm Ukranian" ....get my point?


Remember, we started out as monkeys, and monkeys probably didn't care if they were French or Portuguese. They were just monkeys and that was satisfying enough.

oh mon dieu encore un long article...muaha..ha..ha..

this blog, being of course one of the only places where i can express my thoughts, was NOT supposed to be only about serious stuff but now most of my articles are becoming like..."confidence" and "self-distraction" and "serenity and inner-harmony"....ugh....hahah

i talk about my issues too much i huh? oh what can i say? that's just adolescence...

okay, so, i think i didn't make it clear enough for myself the first time so i'm gonna go ahead and talk MORE about my issues:D

so some people think that, or are upset about me not being interested in a lot of things.

true, cause i don't talk about it, and somehow stuff that i do talk about is the stuff that doesn't really matter.

and true, i am not interested in politics, and i will never pretend like i do. now, books. i won't lie to you, i'm not a big reader. but as the matter of fact, you're the one distracting me, so it's really YOUR fault. (..jk^^)

if i didn't have you, my dear computer, i would be crazy about reading. damn right i would. besides, literature DOES interest me and when i get something in class to read or analyze i am 100% concentrated on doing that.

the only thing i don't want is for people to underestimate me. that's all. cause i know the faults i have and i don't want them being said by others.i don't need them reminding me it constantly.

i am interested in environment, ecology, doing good for people..what else...languages, discovering new things, whatever. i just like to discover all those things on my own time schedule and when i feel like it. i just know that it works better for me. see, i learned french naturally, i didn't have to force myself and now i can proudly say that my writing is definitely better than some french people's writing.

so....yes. that's it for now. i'm gonna go get some sleep....that i never get, not because i do not have time...(which is partially true considering that i need 12hours of sleep per day) but because i have you, my dear computer.

"you are loved"

"you are perfect. you will be loved just the way you are. you are beautiful in all your flaws. you are loved. you were made to be adorned by all of creation. you are loved. you are the peak of creation made with the utmost beauty in thought. you are loved. when God thought of the word beauty, you are what HE saw. He made every part of your body with simplicity and beauty. every cell that makes you, that makes your skin glowing and radiant, every cell that makes your fingers, toes, hands and feet. you are loved. body, your butt, and breasts, your hair, your arms, your back, your thighs and hips, your knees and calves, you are beautiful, you are LOVED. BODY, you were made to be loved. To be gawked at, you were made to be admired and make the world a more beautiful place.BODY YOU ARE LOVED."

i saw this on another girl's blog. i hope anyone who sees this, copies and pastes this and passes this on.

beliefs.

my beliefs told me that i chose my parents.

that i chose my life and the obstacles that came with it, my personality and my entourage. 

i think if my theory is right, then it all makes sense: i think the reason why i'm so interested in zodiacs and astrology and all that is because it's a way of thinking. it's a kind of religion really...and i chose to believe in what it says 'cause it lets me understand others, and myself more. 

and i think since i chose to be born between dec. 23 and jan. 20, there is a reason for that. or if you put it the other way around, then if i chose so many obstacles at the beginning of my life, it's because i wanted to learn faster and because deep down inside i knew that it would be a lesson, that would be useful for the rest of my life.

i'm a goat sign which says that normally if i'm determined to get something i go and get it nomatter how hard it is. i definitely chose to have a lot of challenges in my life, to see how far i go i guess...

"Your token is the Goat which shows just how capable you are of reaching the heights of any mountain."

"You are emotionally cool so you don't warm to people that easily until you get to know them."

"Sometimes others make the mistake of thinking you are elitist. They get the sense you are looking down on them but this is not so because you are actually a very generous person with both your money and your time and if the cause is a worthy one there are fewer who are as generous as you."

"You gain greater strength than others from whatever misfortune occurs."

i chose everything that surrounds me...and if i did it then it's for a reason.

now i know what i have to learn to do in my life time. and i know that it'll take me a long time to accomplish what i have to. 

now i know what to work on...

who wins the award of the best chick flick movie-director? ME! ME! ME!

my step sis isn't the only one making up stories (i said that already in my "the first day i met my trouble" article...jk, that's not what it's called.)

but yeah. mine tend to turn out to be...quite depressing.

and get this, unlike my sister's characters (actually ONE AND ONLY character...:P) ,mine always change! 

one day it's my druggy, guitar-playing, mind-blurring, can't-get-out-of-my-head dude,  

then the other day it's this cute little curly-haired cutie-cute *and ALSO* guitar-playing dude (i have a thing for guitar players don't i..??)  

then after that it's the kid that seems to be capricorn (i'm sick people!! i'm experiencing some bad zodiac mania syndromes)

okay...i exaggerated.

i cannot express myself properly can i? 

...mother of god...i need some help clearing out my mind. oh speaking of cleaning, my room's a HOT mess. well, that's nothing extra-ordinary. it can wait a couple of years...

memories..like the corners of my mind.

some things i remember that aren't too personal.


i will come back to this later. when i will be TOO bored to do anything else. cause i think it's nice to remember stuff that are left behind...

i remember that week in hawaii...i felt so liberated, i felt happy.

i remember that my best friend in kindergarten and my best friend from 3rd to 5th grade had the same name. and also that those friendships didn't last long. none of them do actually.

i remember that i made a club where i taught russian to some girls in 2nd grade (i believe).

i also remember that i used to pretend to be a spy-kid with that friend from 3rd grade.

i remember my old apartment..and the other apartment,,,and my old house. as you see i moved a lot.

i remember that when i was very little i loved dressing up as Cinderella....lol yupp i was cute back then.

i remember that i once choked on a candy that almost killed me. but here i am, writing this crap no one cares for:)

i remember that i used to steal and watch my mom's sex and the city when i was 11. but then of course she found out. haha very sneaky...

oh about that, i remember asking my mom what sex was like non-stop.
 i also remember my reaction when she finally told me about it. i can tell you, my reaction wasn't good.....it went something like this: "...a naked man?? on top of a woman??? with the touching and stuff? EW"

i remember that sever since i had my own room, it hasn't changed it's appearance. i do everything to keep it from looking kind of descent.

i remember that i had fish. all of them died in about 2 weeks.

i remember having the same nightmare over and over for about a month.

i remember going out of the city wit my mom.

i remember that we used to go to disney land almost every month.

i also remember that i skipped school for that.

i remember every time i was late for school, i would take a train and go all the way and get off at the last station just to go to starbucks and finish my homework over a cup of coffee and a scone..but SHHHH

i remember crying in front of teachers.

i remember that first year in france. it was awful. terrible. unbearable.

i remember my grandma's chocolate cake with cherries soaked in vodka...MMMmmm

i remember that i accidentally drank my mom's cognac thinking it was iced tea. i would've appreciated it more if i knew that i had to wait 18 years to be able to drink!!

i remember every one of my uncountable crushes. hahaha kidding, there aren't so many.


i remember moscow metro stations. i miss it...

i want too many things

i want to feel the way i felt in my 2nd last article. i shined. i felt good...not the best i could be, but that day (or at least after school...DUHH) i shined from within. i never shine...... i stay matte. and matte means boring, colorless, ....just not me.

i want to sparkle.

i want new things everyday.

i want guys to turn around when i pass by. NOT WHISTLE-that's just not gentle-men like..lol

i want them to stare at me.

i want them to be intrigued by me.

i want to be like a firework.

i want to like going to school.

i want to stop being a mess.

i want to believe. in anyone. in anything.

i want him. or..them..? i want anyone...lol

i want everyday to be better than the one before and always different.

i want to skip this stage of life. i hate my age.

i want to laugh. a lot.

i want everyone fake out of my life.

i want everyone to see the good in people. or at least try to.

i want to cry.

i want to swim naked. (that's umm...random)

i want to feel butterflies in my stomach.

i want them to want me.

i want to have a whole week just like a fairytale.

i want to stop wanting.

i want i want i want MOREEeeee

yeah i want a lot of silly things.

The Atheist's Puzzle-LE VIDE!!!

LEA!!! c'est le copain de charly d'angleterre (lol) et IL PARLE DES ATOMES!!! ca ne te rappelle pas qlq chose?? :OOO hahaha ON EST EN EFFET VIDE.

a post that's way too long...haha

my god i've never felt this relief before. so here's the story.

today in my singing class, we were 3 as usual and our teacher (we really don't have a student-teacher relationship though) made us sing in the most expressive way possible. 

so for example she'd give us a feeling and we would express it through body language and dancing:) so she made us be flamenco dancers, ballet dancers, rock stars, sing as if we were totally STONED et caetra.(something you would do when you're 5. haha no but it was fun....)

at first it was...i have to say embarrassing as hell considering that we're certainly not the best dancers in the world. 

but as soon as we loosened up....holy moly our voices became so.fricking.powerful.so.strong.so.intense. and that's what i thought my problem was with my voice, that it was too weak. HELL NO i just needed to humiliate myself a couple of times in front of people and do my little chicken dance and that's it..haha 

then the best part of the exercise was when she gave us a scenario to play. of course we would sing at the same time cause that's the whole point of it. so the girls (E. and i) played the role of a girl who was late on a date  and the guy who was waiting for 2 hours and was furious. and then when we were done with that, she made us do another scenario where i had to be there (late again) first so..do the same stuff: i had to act as if i felt guilty and was sorry and the guy had to act pissed, but then the second girl would come in (singing the same part again with both of us) and she and i would both realize that he was cheating on us.

but wait for it, it's still not the best part.

then....Y came in. cause we actually finished a lot later then we normally do. i didn't even feel the time pass by...(especially compared to SCHOOL in which i normally count every second left...but ANYWAYS  ) so we got to do it in front of him and i was literally only a meter away from him (plus i started singing first...oh wow:P)

so...yeah. and man...singing really gets it out of you!!! :O it's, i believe the best way to get rid of all the frustration that kept building inside you. plus when you know that the auditory (a very special auditory i must say) is right near you...you know:P

all the songs are in italian btw...hot...lol

oh boy do i sound like a child! hahah yeah i do. cause today. is. the. last. day. of. school....at least for now. :)

happy fall break! if you even have any of those...ciao bellas

from childhood to adolescence...the same exact thing

i'm gonna spill it out. cause i'm tired of holding it in........

i'm too white there, i'm too asian here, i'm too thin, i'm too MUCH everywhere.


i deleted half of this article. but the main point's still here.

wow..

today was my sad day. cried like a baby...same old same old. and just when i think that if i were in the u.s. i would be in high school..:/ rrr..i'm just upset that all my life's just gonna be a constant battle, whether it's with me or others.

but nevertheless i'm glad i get the chance to smile everyday outside of school. thank god i still have hope...

..i...i wonder does dreaming really keep you from feeling awful? 
is it a way of escape? or it just aggravates everything?

woo you scared me.

i frankly prefer to be unpopular than to constantly have someone on my back, to constantly look for someone new to make fun of and to...well...be a bitch you know..

after having to be everyones' slave for 4 years i tried to be the queen bee's worker bee - it worked. it always works. it's so much easier to be superior that the opposite.( but then again i was in 6th grade)  then i tried to be a shadow, doesn't work. i thought not getting attention was easy and non-harmful to anyone.

yeah...to make it sound simple, it's that people think that having something that stands out is a lack of something more than like a quality. even having something to be proud of is considered shameful. what's wrong with the world?

i feel like i'm incapable of embracing something unique i have. i do it only when i'm overseas...

someday i'll be the best of me. till then i will try my best to suck in every little knowledge i get from now on and don't mind the others

why don't we turn it the other way around?

YOUR ENEMYS' FRIEND CAN BE YOUR...BOYFRIEND.....?? wait what?

wow im still shocked how small this town is and that practically everybody's everybodys' friend!! :/ i'm confused...

i made a deal. pinky promice

god (whoever that is ) : sometimes he does listen to me and makes my wishes come true...he listened to me this year. but i want more. (btw no, i'm not religious...and i have a very vague idea of what "religion" even is. but that's not the point here. and in fact i don't even want to call god "him". who even knows it's a man??)

i'm incomplete. there's that big part in my life that's missing. i need it now. i'm not the age i actually am mentally and now i just need it...i should've experienced all these stuff in the past but i just didn't have the chance to..

i want to feel alive.

and i know i'm doing something that i like now but that's not enough. i can like as much as i want and whoever i want but it won't make a difference unless i receive the same.

so i decided that i will find myself someday walking side by side to him, laughing...enjoying the life that i've been given.

should i hope? wait? PRAY?? or just go with it...

please allow me to post more of the usual teenage blah-blah in the future...lol 

I'M NUTS. macadamia nuts. i hate nuts....wtf??

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i physically NEED to scream. go to some forest in the middle of the night and just scream my butt off.

"mr DeAleR" didn't show up...and i think he switched classes WHICH means i'm not gonna have any chance...or a very slight chance of getting to know him in which case i'm screwed..totally.

look at me making up a story all by myself. going on and on with my "what if one day.." "maybe someday.."

ugh i feel like a fool. come on banana sober up. if it's meant to be then it'll happen right?

i can go on and on about this...

brain cocktaiL

...that doesn't make any sense. well a brain cocktail is a state when you cannot put a normal sentence together and think straight. it's kind of like being drunk or high but...ohh man...is it another little crush? NO, this one's a big one. and it will probably end with a crash. let's not hope so. no wait i take that back.


ok. well that being said, i'm starting my language lessons next week. lovely isn't it. 24/7 without a rest...kinda. well i just simply can't imagine being in highschool and still doing all these things i'm doing now.

i see lots of headaches, under-eye circles, and nail-biting  in the future...

goals.

these i'm pretty sure won't be accomplished until i'm...well old.

AND WISE!

1-learn and  re-learn 7 languages. so...3 more to go. + re-learn 2 + finish learning 2 (oh god damn it...lol)

2.have an amazing, well-payed job....FINISH SCHOOL FIRST. which i will, with great results.

3.beat my laziness!!!!

4.AND MY MESSINESS!!!! 

5.NOT GET WRINKLES, NOT GET FAT-horrorrrrr (hahah that's embarrassing)

6.what's more horrifying? being dependent on someone!

7.get happily married and have kids. ain't i so cheesy? :).

8.find the perfect balance between personal life and work.

9.be happy...that's all i want.

10.learn anything i can learn.

11.somehow understand SOMETHING in science.

12.stay away from smoking.
13.finish at least ONE of my craft/art things... 

i'm gonna add some more goals leitaaa....

but that's all for now:)

funny cultural differences

i remember when i first came here...kissing on the cheeks every time we said hi felt weird to me. then 2 years later when i went to america and i wanted to kiss a friend on the cheek and she freaked out that made me laugh..

for some people kissing on the cheeks is even more intimidating than actual frenching. hahah  you won't understand you're FRENCH...

but it's just the matter of adapting yourself to the culture. the world's pretty much international (and it has been for a while now) and if some of you think in japan we still wear kimonos and eat sushi and in russia we only drink vodka and play balalaika..well you're screwed.

but other than that there are MANY of the hidden things in different cultures that nobody ever talks about..i'm gonna talk about it later.

p.s. TOURISTS ARE BLIND

i'm making myself my own personal "AI"

i have absolutely no reason to be alone,  and yet i still manage to stay..single. it's not dramatic. i'm still young. but hell....i deserve NOT to be for god sakes..

so instead of feeling pathetic and undesired i'm just gonna pretend like i have someone. 

...wow...that sounds sad:/

"im fabulous im fabulous im fabulous"....

i might need an escape

remember the last post? well i think i need an escape for "that".

he made himself very comfortable in my head and he's enjoying himself while i'm dying inside. (exaggeration...) and guess what? he's not leaving.

he's staying for another two months or so till my memories will wash him out (like it does for everything else that gets into in my brain..lol) but i'm sure he will manage to leave one of  his long brown hairs behind (okayy...that was gross) and yes, it's a metaphor...a bad one. yeah.

ugh....fuck why does anybody interesting has to be so much older than me? seriously, couldn't your parents make you a year later or something? couldn't they just fight that day and skip the love/baby/the f-ing gorgeous man he is now-making and do it a year later???

change of subject:

people will always find a way to not like you whether you're attractive, hideous, sexy, ugly, stupid, smart ANYTHING. i'm not generalizing it but..

if you have most of it then they'll think you're arrogant and pretentious .

if not they'll judge you by pointing out the things you don't have.

cause in general people focus on anything negative and ignore the goods. ...whatever...

stupid pointless article that i just had to post.

i'm going crazy.

don't know anything about him, he's obviously way older than me, more experienced.

but i just can't help it.  

i'm obsessing already. it's something about that darkness..

there's gotta be something wrong with me.

i hate this me. me being attracted to a big question mark. there's something magnetic about the unknown. i want to know everything i can possibly know about him. and just out of curiosity i already checked out his __. guess what? astrologically we match perfectly.

oh gosh i'm a freak. ain't i? of course i am.

the "what if"s in my head!!! aaaargh

AWSOMENESS

i am awesome, and i don't have to justify myself.

point. blank.

changes that will lead me to a great future.

 
there are good changes in my life. i'm finally doing something that i like...and i will start doing something so huge and i must say unique, that will DEFINITELY earn me some pretty awesome job. 

so i don't really have to worry much about my future. yeah, i know it's way too early to say but..hey....i've got something that no one else has.

but anyways, all of this was to say that *now* doesn't really matter. cause that's really going to be nothing compared to my whole life. well...i won't say "nothing"...but say by the time i graduate, things will be forgotten and people will be forgiven...and my real life that i will make for myself will start only then.

i might even say that....my high-school diploma's in my pocket thanks to the knowledge i'll be given for the next 4 years. 

i'm greatful...for everything. even school for that matter. cause in the end it'll be worth it.

wait a minute. this isn't happening again

the second i thought things were better.......

oh the hell with it. i got stuff going on in my life and i don't give a damn about what others think about me. i won't let them bring me down.
(ohmygosh this sounds like some kind of crappy song lyrics..)

seriously. i will try to do the impossible and be me...not anyone else. i don't think it's the best idea ever but between:

1. being yourself and getting crushed by people cause they don't accept you the way you are and
2. pretending to be someone else and trying to please others and hurting yourself knowingly
 ...i may prefer the first choice.

i mean, let's be honest, either way you get hurt.

stay true to myself.

...block out all the noise

accomplish my goals

My American Accent

HAHAHAHAHAHYAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Ohhh OHHhMyGosh...oh wait MOHWWUAHAHAHAHAHA

Silly..silly silly

MY GOD my earlier posts freaked-me-OUT when i read them the other day. 

well...surprisingly i don't seem to have been REALLY dumb but still a bit...lost in my own emotions. i had to fix some parts that were wayyy too embarrassing though, you know...just in case.

hahah...teenagers...lol

What a surprise.....

school started good. 

that is REALLY weird to say. it's good.... something's good? in MY LIFE? NOO WAYYY lol jk

no but seriously...

the class's good...the only thing that's not good's that there's one little bitch in my class and two morons who get Zs...not Fs, Zs....  other than that....it's alll goouuud. it's rollin'.

and i had my auditions for singing lessons (it's pretty serious y'all) and it went good......holy fuck i survived the first day. i'm SURPRISED, RELIEVED, and MOST IMPORTANTLY alive..lol

BUT THEN AGAIN....there is a BUT....a BUTT.

my parents. ugh.....i WILL sound like a typical teenager but they don't understand me, one of them ignores me and one of them is a hypocrite. i can go on and on about them but i really don't want to cause it'll make me even sicker than i am right now.

but my god...HALLELUJAH!  lord, thanks for not killing me.

Inside My Brain

WATCH IT TILL THE END. this cracks me up:)

ARGH

I don't read anymore, i don't laugh anymore, i don't go out anymore, i don't eat anymore, i don't do anything that makes me happy anymore. since i came here i am BROKEN.

and wasn't i the one who thought being here would be better for me? it certainly IS better, i just don't realize it..maybe. oh who the hell knows?

what i know is that i am UNhappy, i fight with my mom and i feel like we're friendlier when we're apart.

i don't even make my blog articles pretty anymore i'm so lazy!

I AM SICK TO MY STOMACH I CAN'T BREATHE I FEEL LIKE.......drowning. or jumping off a roof, what do you suggest?

idk what the solution is. think positive? done that, doesn't work. i'm a true Capricorn i am a PESSIMIST. ummm i don't see anything else i can do. wait? i'm doing that for two years now.

now i'm at the stage where i still have the energy to feel anxious and frustrated. the next step is to lay in my bed all day long (or from about 5;30 to about 7;45 to be precise) and feel...empty.

i feel like going to church and randomly pray for something good to happen to me.

i have to clean my room. weird..like 5 days ago it was perfectly organized then POOF all of my stuff's on the floor, in my bed, on my shelves.....

i'm a mess. and i can't do anything about it...........

AAAAghlsdkufxh3!!![==!@#$%^&*(!!!

I used to write like crazy. remember those days when i would just write like a whole page one day and the next day i'd write another one just like that? Ohh poor blogger i abandoned you completely..ohh but don't worry i'm sure when school starts i'll be right back on track.

like i'm reading this article i wrote the other day...and im like..."are you kidding me?" now that i think about it, i did everything i wanted this summer!

I ENJOYED IT.  
yeah sure there were bad times but HELLOOO they're so much better than not enjoying life at all??

yes, it might have been smarter to stay where i was...but my heart just said "no, i wanna stay with my family no matter how difficult it would be away from here" IT'S PRETTY DAMN DIFFICULT ALRIGHT.

no i don't regret it. hell no, i met some pretty awsome people since i came here but my EVERYDAY LIFE...it's hectic. and not in a good way.

i lost my calm and my sanity over the past two years and i definitely lost my head. and yea sure 5 years from now i'll look back at myself saying "life of an adult isn't easier, you know?"

yeah....

i'm confused...

i wish i didn't think as much and would feel more. cause i feel like i'm as cold as an iceberg and i don't feel..anything at all. i wish i was a flower child..or a hippie...lol

i had so many choices but i chose the one that seemed the most logical. which one was best for me? ohh idk.

i hope this year, i'll find myself again and that my life would change. in a good way. and i also hope that...oh hell with it i just hope that EVERYTHING and ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING will be the way i want it to be.

YES you heard me!!

hey blogger, long time no talk!

well...vacations are over..im sad...and happy to see my family at the same time. but, friends, shops, city life are left behind me...

i won't tell you what i did, or where i've been but...only how i felt. well...i felt good and bad. so i really don't know what the difference is between the two lives i have. or live.

both of them are good and bad. i've lived a pretty damn messed up life and i still do. still am thrown into the confusions that kill me inside. why do i have to live like THIS and not any other way? 

yeah blah blah that's probably "how my life supposed to be" but does that mean i suffer now so i will live overall happily after this? ughh....im a weird teenager. 

im tired of my life. just tired

UGH FRENCH PEOPLE! & a mini book review:)

WE PRONOUNCE "SWEAT" AND "SWEET" DIFFERENTLY! they are soo frickin stupid they get on my nerves i can't stand them anymore...urghhh ugh ugh...i guess i needed to post this meaningless article on my blog to lessen my frustration. there's a lot of stuff they pronounce incorrectly which drives me crazy. well...americans suck in french so i guess its the same everywhere you live..


ANYWAYS i started reading "go ask alice" which is a diary of a girl who starts doing drugs. she's kinda my age and my step-sis read it too and loved it so i had to go and get it. but in english of course. why buy a book in fench that was written in english?


i like it so far...i reccomend it even though i think everybody else has read it already...it seems popular.


this was i guess onother one of my weird articles. anyways byeeee

THE perfect guy image. well..almost perfect.

❊· L'homme PRESQUE parfait ·❊

that's what i'll call it. this is a pretty girly topic..but every person needs to dream once in a while..

-fairly tall  

-i'm definitely attracted more towards dark and long-haired guys....oh definitely:P

-not a soccer player!

-humorous, somebody who doesn't mind silence cause i'm a pretty quiet person. but he knows what to say WHEN to say it. basically someone who has great timing.

-strong (mentally,..although muscles won't hurt either! haha)

-caring

-someone who will truly appreciate me for who i am...

   

-someone i can communicate with just eye contact. 

-someone who likes to go out, AND stay in. lol

-someone who reads (that's so sexy...lol)

-acoustic guitar player or someone who sings good, that way we can make a duo. (is that too much?? i knowwww)

someone who knows how to treat a female. lol

our rooms are EQUALLY MESSY....mine's probably worse though...

someone who forgets everything just like me..:) EXECP for special dates, like anniversaries or birthdays or names. 

our interests should be pretty similar in music.

movies? umm idk...anything unless he will force me to watch a horror movie. he'll be dead MUCH sooner that the first victim in the movie!

AAAAAND yeah. that's about it. lol

wise people

once a very intellectual and wise 13 year old boy mentioned that..(these are the exact words he said) "there's god, Barack Obama...and then there's me"

....what's up with arogance people?? i find it incredible how one can actually say out loud and think stuff like that, i mean COME ON:/ seriously,there's self-respect, and there's a whole different thing called self-obsession.

maybe he heard that confidence makes you attractive..but i assume he hasn't heard that there are slight limits.

idk....it's discouraging to think that there are more "stupid" people on this earth than "smart" ones..

I'm somewhere in between...but i think it's just the age. i'll be one of the "smart people" one day! lol

AM I DREAMING?

wait, what? SCHOOL'S OVER? i cannot believe it...

yeah nothing changed since my last post..but i feel better, much better actually, i just haven't realized it yet.

my skin's got better, i don't bite my nails anymore, i try to eat healthy and balanced food, i read (omg!! lol no i do read, i do)..."SAY GOODBYE TO STRESSED OUT ME!"

it's funny i don't have much to say...ha! well...bye :) i guess..

Jealousy...or just HATE? can't quite guess it..

so i think my problem is pretty common: people hating you and don't hide it, being picked on no matter what i do, or how i act...being fucked basically:D

so i'm very proud of myself for not cutting my wrists aaand for not throwing myself out from my 2 floor apartment ...i've done good these past..9 months or so(?)

oh my, i'm having a déjà-vécu! jap school from 3rd grade to 6th.

i find that girls here get meaner and faker with each and everyday.

so easily put, i'm reliving the hell i used to consider "school".

hey on the bright side, i've only got one more month of torture:) let's see if i survive another couple of weeks of being forced to challenge myself to jump off a bridge!

Girls (with a capital "g")

there are several types of them:

-bitches who deliberately do mean stuff

-those who quietly talk behind your back

-those who feel ashamed but still do those things

-girls who see/hear mean stuff being done/said and who do nothing about it

-AND those who prefer to stay out of the way.

and exceptions.

i'm not victimizing myself. just happy it's almost over. i hope that next year i'll be able to start fresh..and leave my troubles behind.

OVER MY HEAD.....

What happened to you
You've played the victim for so long now in this game
What I thought was true
Is made of fiction and I'm following the same

But if I try to make sense of this mess I'm in
I'm not sure where I should begin
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'

Now I'm in over my head
with something I said
Completely misread
I'm better off dead
And now I can see
How fake you can be
This hypocrisy is beginning to get to me

It's none of my concern
Don't look to me because I don't believe in fame
I guess you never heard
I've met our makers they don't even know your name

But if I had to say goodbye to leave this hell
I'd say my time has served me well
I'm fallin'
I'm fallin'

TURNS OUT, I'M JUST AS MESSED UP AS EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THIS PLANET. and i'm the exact copy of my mom. HELP!!

OOOOOOOH sweet lord....i'm writing all this crap that no one reads. and i put so much effort into these posts! not this one though. so you might as well stop right here.

anyways onto the topic (like there's someone else but my sister who reads this..)

im just as messed up as everyone else, but in a different way. yah, you're probably wondering what the hell i'm talkin' about?

i know, i'm just as confused as you are. everytime i tell a story it's soo all over the place, you can't get my point. (i do it better on my blog, cause then i have time to think through it before i actually write it)

i'll never be good at expressing what's on my mind....which is why i made this blog to start with.

ANYWAYS, what i'm trying to say (and i'm still failing at it) issss that i make the exact same mistakes as my mom. i'm following her pattern. i can't even believe that i used to judge her. well actually that's only a sign of immaturity.

cause kids at my school are still pretty much enjoying judging every living creature or an object that surrounds them; from their french teacher who gives too much homework to a cake that's too sweet for their taste.. nothing's good enough for them.

my thing, is that i forgive very easily, which is also a good thing because you don't get to keep the anger inside you, but i let people use me, without even noticing. it gets really frustrating.
and what else do i do like my mom? i compare myself to her, even though when she does it, it drives me crazy. and i think i realized how much we resemble just about a month ago.

...this is really the only post i made that doesn't have a point to it....i'm SORRY.

Oh Nostalgia...

Last summer, when i went to tokyo for one 1/2 month, i felt a strange mixture of feelings. the time i actually REALLY realized I hated my father, and that i had lost all respect for him. but anyways, despite the cold atmosphere at "home" and the fact that i couldn't see my friends as much as i wanted to, i felt amazing.

i felt free and powerful, i was the best of me. even though i did feel lonely, and a little bit homesick, when i walked on the streets of tokyo in my 5 inch heels, i felt like i ruled the city. so it was totally worth dealing with my dad and other crappy stuff....

i miss being asked in harajuku "are you a model? would you like to be a model? could you give us your cell?" i actually felt beautiful, while in france, i'm not appreciated at all. or at least there aren't a lot of modeling agencies in this shitty town that are interested in hiring me.

and i LOVE being looked at as one of the "pretty ones". i love how people think that i'm american or something and that i seem older than my actual age (people think im in my 20s)

once i bought alcohol saying that i didn't speak japanese when the guy asked for my ID. he didn't know how to say "ID" so he asked for my age and i just naturally answered "21" :). it totally worked. it was like i had power over people because i know more than them.

the weird thing is, you'd think i'd feel smaller in a big city with all the buildings, but actually i feel tiny in the town i'm living, cause i have no self confidence.

that's it. self confidence. i need compliments to feel confident. without people telling me nice things, i feel like nothing...

it used to (when i lived in japan) piss me off when people called me "russian" and "american" and such, but now it seems like a "compliment" of some sort. cause now i'm considered "chinese". thats what lowers my self-esteem..

but i always knew that tokyo wasn't for me...there's a lot of things people don't know about the japanese culture, but i'm not here to make a list of inconveniences about japan and all that. it would be a one huge blog post. lol

i was having an overall deja-vu from a different point of view.

i saw tokyo for the first time from a different point of view. POINT OF VIEW of a person who has lived in france, and tokyo, and moscow and can compare those 3 cultures.

and that's worthy of an experience no matter what.